Empathy, Heart, and Personality

In January I got turned on to something called NonViolent Communication, or NVC. Simply put, NVC “helps connect us with what is alive in ourselves and in others moment-to-moment,” and it “strengthens our ability to inspire compassion from others and respond compassionately to others and ourselves.” So when it comes to relationships, it’s da bomb.

One of the primo teachings that has surfaced out of it for me is empathy. How to truly listen without fixing, judging, or turning the focus towards ourselves/away from the speaker. It opens the door to truly seeing your partner (whoever you’re communicating with), and understanding where they are coming from.

Empathy is essential.

Empathy must be present for a relationship to work. Until we can step out of our own paradigms and perspectives to truly hear the needs of the other person, we will evaluate everything they say through our filters of what we think is important.

The coolest part is…

Once you see — really see — how someone else thinks and feels, compassion just flows. When we meet on this level of togetherness, relationships are transformed.

Compassion for the other person flows from your heart, and you are reminded of all the reasons you care about them in the first place. It becomes easy to look beyond the personality-needs and see the heart-needs.

Personality-needs serve the desires, fears, and aims of the personality. These types of needs may serve us, and, they may not. For example, if I have a perceived need to control people because I’m afraid they might leave me, then having that need met isn’t going to help my relationships much, despite what my personality thinks. In the end, it will only serve to alienate people.

Heart-needs, though, serve the agenda of the heart, which is always love. When you can get your conversations to the level of speaking up for your heart-needs and looking out for other people’s heart-needs, then you are putting your efforts where they can truly benefit the relationship.

To continue the example, if I take a moment to look to my heart, I see that it’s love I really want, not control. I thought control would get me love, but of course, that’s ridiculous? Who can love a tyrant?

Having seen that, now I am able to speak up for my heart and ask for what would bring love to the situation.

Being in touch with your heart-needs, then, is key.

Unless you can hear what your heart is asking for, you’ll be stuck listening to the wants of your personality-needs only.

Is it hard to listen to your heart? Not really. It truly only takes two things:

*practice, and

*the willingness to show up as an adult.

Self-responsibility and its older sibling, self-awareness, is crucial to be able to discern heart-needs from personality-needs. And, so is the choice to choose the heart’s needs over the personality’s needs, no matter how loud those personality-needs shout.

This is what I mean by being an adult — that you use your maturity to look beyond the inner two-year old that’s shouting, “Mine! Mine!”

Heart-awareness also means remembering that love is always the higher road. Choosing love means you are choosing what works for both parties involved, which will always result in more long-term happiness and fulfillment.

And hey, isn’t that why you get into relationship in the first place?

So next time you are talking with someone you care about (shouldn’t be hard to find), try this:

• As you listen to whatever they say, breathe into your heart. Feel the Presence of the Divine, the state of connectedness and flow, etc.
• Allow your partner’s words to marinate in that heart-space. That is, allow yourself to hear the words through the lens of the peace and calm of your heart’s perspective (if you find yourself evaluating or judging what they say, leave it and come back to your heart).
• Feel how you would like to respond to your partner from this place. If your heart is in any kind of turmoil — and you’ll know, if your personality-need voices are speaking the loudest — keep your focus on your heart, and let the turmoil be touched by the Presence you feel.
• Once your heart feels resolution, then share your heart-needs and heart-wants with your partner. See how this process, as it evolves, can shift your conversation.

Empathy takes practice and patience, as does Remembrance and expression from the heart. Be sure to give yourself time _(and self-empathy!)_ to try these practices on.

I wish you the best of times with it. If I can be of service, don’t hesitate to leave a comment and let me know.