Why You Should Kill Your Inner Perfectionist
Okay, so I’ve got 3 planets in Virgo, and a double-grand-trine (and two T-squares) in Air. What does that mean? For those of us (’cause I’m one of ‘em) who don’t have much of a background in astrology, it basically means I’m frogged.
Not really. It means I’m smart. Yay for me. But it also means I’m a perfectionist out the wazoo, so all these great ideas I have? All the amazing connections I see between things? All the creative impulses I have? They ride on the backs of turtles, past huge guardians of Quality Control, on their slow march towards freedom. It’s a wonder you’re even reading this. But who knows, you might not – I might edit this before I publish it.
I’m not alone, I know this.
You’re probably a perfectionist, too. And if you aren’t, you’ve probably got enough of an internal censor to grasp what I’m saying, even though you may not be bleeding in the trenches with the rest of us. If that’s you, well, good on ya; pass the gauze, will you?
Perfectionism, in its most beautiful out-picturing, is a valiant effort to maintain a degree of quality that you feel the world deserves. It’s a beautiful place, this world of ours, and dadgum, if you’re going to contribute something to it, it should be as beautiful as the rest, right? “Quality is job #1″, and all that. What a wonderful intention!
Perfectionism, unfortunately, also has a downside. When it’s ugly, it’s really not much more than fear of judgment projected outwards. You fear judgment, so you edit and polish and edit some more until either the thing shines, or withers away to nothingness, with no more substance than those dry, crackly vanilla wafer cookie things they sell at Quickie-Marts.
The bummer, then, is that all too often, your brilliance never gets shared with others. It stays hidden, behind the censors of your fear and doubt, until it dies of loneliness and boredom.
The bigger bummer is that the stuff that does go out tends to have two (okay, three) kinds of reception:
- Either people love it… which makes your censors now tell you you have an even higher level of quality to live up to, or
- People love it, but they miss the humanity in it. Because you’ve done them the unfortunate disservice of removing so much of you, so much of your process from it, that they miss out on the learning of what you, as a human being, actually went through to create it. Which, most likely, is 90% of what they’re thirsty for.
- People hate it. But y’know what? Everybody hates something, and somebody hates everything. You can’t win ‘em all; you can only die trying. If somebody hates it, move on. If you use failure to beat yourself up, you’re only helping the censors.
I’m perfectly aware that this post may be loved. And if it is, great. That’s not why I’m writing it, but great. I’m writing it to help, in case there are others like me out there.
And, you may also think it sucks cheese. If you do, go ahead, unsubscribe, click away, or act like a troll in the comment box. It’ll only save me the pressure of feeling I have to perform better next time.
Because whether you like it or not, I’m here to stay.
And that’s what you need to tell your censors, too. You’re here to stay. The part of you that wants to share, to connect, to help, to give — it’s not going away based on the judgments of others, nor because of the rude comments your censors make. You’ve got a voice, and by god, you’re going to use it (no pressure, mind you).
So do it, whatever it is: Write it. Play it. Create it. Design it. Sing it. Build it. Get it out there. Sound that barbaric yawp of yours to the world, brothers and sisters.
Why? Because we need it. We need it so we can shut our own censors up long enough for us to give what we’ve got to give. Because the gems of greatness exist within us, but they need practice to develop, and room to breathe. Because when it comes down to it, even the stuff that most people would call semi-decent can be the catalyst for one person’s dramatic, life-changing epiphany.
So be the example of bravery for someone else. Create, so someone else will, too.
Image by Infinity Rain.
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OMG! The universe is speaking to me thru YOU! It’s stalking me…err, I mean it’s stalking my inner perfectionist and using you as a decoy. How rude!
Haha…I LOVE that you wrote this and put it out there. I can’t thank YOU enough for jumping on the turtles back and riding it furiously to the finish. Well done my friend.
Much love, peace & passion to you. (Now I gotta go write so my inner perfectionist can kick your inner perfectionists ASS!) Game on.
Glad to be the Universe’s decoy anytime, Kam! There’s plenty of room on these here turtles.
And I know it’s only your inner perfectionist that’s looking to kick some ass; just tell it there’s plenty of room/love to go around.
Adam,
I enjoyed this post very much. I always love your writing. You share so much of yourself in it and in a good way. I always get a smile when I read something you’ve written.
I too suffer from the “CENSOR” and not just with my writing. Here’s something I wrote to myself about this gremlin and how it affects me.
By the way, it was hard to not make corrections in the following, but this is how I wrote it and so this is how it goes to you.
tell me, mr censor, must I be edited?
must I be worked over like a lousy term paper
and left aside with nasty comments in the border?
oh, mr censor
leave in the wrong comma or the misspelled word
leave it, leave it
because it’s me.
tell me, mr censor, who set you up
with the pen waiting to mark me up
in red for all my mistakes.
oh, mr censor
you have no right
these are my words and they are real
this is me, this is me
uncensored.
As a reforming perfectionist my motto is if something is worth doing, it is worth doing. Sometimes it is worth doing well and sometimes it is worth putting in a token effort. .
The inner censor says everything needs the big production number, full of razzle dazzle and dancing elephants. Reality could just need music on the radio, one or two sequins and me dancing to my own drum.
The biggest issue for me is working out what level of effort is really needed in each moment and responding with the right level of effort for the moment. something else for my inner censor to beat myself up about.
Perfection is out of fashion – real is in, warts and all.
Thanks, Sara; I know how hard it is to not let those voices control you, especially when the message is coming from your heart.
But some of the biggest breakthroughs I’ve ever had were right after the moments I told the censors to stuff a sock in it. Thanks for sharing your poem.
Ingrid, you hit it right in the bullseye — sometimes the extra time & effort is warranted, and sometimes, it’s not. Knowing the difference is a wisdom hard won, at times.
Hooray for the real!
Since you are a perfectionist, I know you won’t mind me taking issue with seemingly trivial points, so here goes:
Having gone through this conversation with myself many times, I often ask myself: who is trying to kill my Inner Perfectionist? By representing that part of myself as a stain or a blemish, is this not the Inner Perfectionist itself that demands that I must be made spotless? So surely only way to respond is by fully embracing the imperfectness of being a perfectionist, rather than trying to reform it, which only changes the field on which the same game is played?
In fact, it is the perfectionism that is here to stay whether you like it or not, as an imperfect, difficult and sometimes troubling tendency. Rather than reading it as a foreign entity (the censors) that intrudes, blotting out the authentic person beneath, we should reverse this. Your authentic identity is the censor, and the hypothesized “real” person beneath that is a fiction.
I think the mistake is underestimating the perverse, impossible demand of the Perfectionist. It is not just that it demands “Make everything perfect”, but also simultaneously demands the opposite: “Stop worrying so much, be spontaneous! Let go, don’t judge too harshly or try to hard!” Whatever we choose, we are still following the demand.
What can be done about this? Is there a way to genuinely relinquish the hold that the Perfectionist has over us? What if instead we view perfectionism as a style, much like a design style, a clothing style or musical style? This changes our approach from repudiating the stain of perfectionism to seeing it as one way of being among many; not a religion, but something with its own appropriateness and inappropriateness.
alsomike – good points, there. Just goes to show that no matter what perspective you take, there’s always another one.
So,
Surely there is, but it’s with love, and not with attempts to kill or blot it out. I believe that it’s when we can find acceptance for the “parts” of us—the styles, as you say—that don’t show up in ways we judge as bad or wrong that we begin the process of self-acceptance, and ultimately, transformation. Because the perfectionist is me; there’s really nothing to be cut out.
So, take the perspective of this article as the viewpoint of a moment in time. A moment in which I noticed a drive to self-censor, and the next moment in which I said, “to hell with that!”
I’d say all of these moments are real and genuine, and appropriate for their moment. Is there more room to grow? Other perspectives to be had? Sure. And thanks for sharing yours.
I just love the fact you’re back writing posts. You’re one of my favourite bloggers and I’ve missed you.
And yes, the censor lurks within me too. I guess s/he is one of those archetypes that people like Jung and Carolyn Myss like to talk about.
My censor shows up when I’m brainstormed big ideas and has a nasty habit of siddling up to me right when I’m getting really excited about something and whispering into my ear with a tone of haughtiness and distain “Who do you think you are?”
She used to whisper so silently that I didn’t even hear her barbed words as they burst my bubble.Now though, I hear her loud and strong and have learned to turn around and state firmly and clearly, “I’m me, that’s who!”
Thanks, Kara-Leah; it’s good to be writing again.
Ugh – the “whole do you think you are” voice! That’s a bugger. I love your response, though; that’s what I was feeling when I wrote, “I’m here to stay.” You ain’t pushin’ me around, sucker!
Good to see you again.
What can I say, except “Amen!” As a FIVE-planet Virgo (outdid you, brother), and a One on the Enneagram “The Perfectionist” this has been a huge struggle of mine.
I don’t quite know how I’ve allowed myself to be as sloppy as I am- letting things go without the nth-degree re-edit checking. Although, perhaps I do- I think one thing has been to break my isolation. Between my wife Holly, my mastermind group, our infrastructure queen at Heart of Business, Kate Williams, I can find enough feedback that says: “Hey, go ahead and release it. It’s just version 1.0.”
That pre-release feedback has been so helpful to me in getting stuff out there. And now, strangely enough, sometimes I get feedback that I’m moving too quickly. Hah… anyhoo.
Thanks for lining it up so well, as usual. And, as others have said, I’m glad you stepped back into blogging.
(giggle, giggle) Loved (giggle) the image of the poor idea who picked (another breath and laughter) the biggest turtle for transport. (tears streaming)
Yep. That’s me. Not even a blog yet. But 20 blog posts in various stages.
Thanks.
Hi Adam,
I think that someone needs to do a survey on how many bloggers are Virgos! It seems like we ( yes, I am one too) are disproportionately represented on the internet.
Well, as Virgos our reigning healthy passion is the capacity to be idealistic and to envision how the world and ourselves can be better while also having a realistic sense about how to manifest those ideals into the three dimensional world. I guess the blogosphere is a great place to try and make that happen.
Also, for someone who purports to understand very little about astrology, you sure seem to know a lot about your individual chart. As an astrologer, with the configuration you just mentioned, I wouldn’t say that you are frogged. As long as you achieve soul perfection and total enlightenment this lifetime, you’ll be just fine! No pressure (-:
I’m really enjoying your posts. I’m glad that I found you and am looking forward to more.
Chris
The “inner perfectionist syndrome” seems to be quite common with bloggers and internet marketers, because many seem to spend more time making their sites look nice and pretty instead of concentrating on the marketing.I have been cured
Adam, this was perfect!
I found you through Sara Healy and I’m so glad I did — thanks Sara! Very real writing here. Guess you told that sensor to take a hike?
I have a Virgo rising… suppose that qualifies me as having the “curse”. Plus, I’ve enabled this for the last 20 years working as a proofreader, until my layoff in 2007.
Blogging gives me a chance to enjoy and let my hair down, although I still have that tendency to “sensor” things. I love how you put it that your brilliance never gets shared with others if you sensor too much.
Yeah, thanks Chris – no pressure at all!
Thanks for the balanced perspective on the whole Virgo piece; I like your take on it much more than mine. Oh, and the reason I seem to know my own chart is that I had it ‘read’ for me a couple of times many years ago… you can see what stuck out in my memory!
Thanks for coming by and leaving a comment… I look forward to getting to know you more, too, in the blogosphere and at @wildheartqueen.
And sure, Tom, perfectionists exist online… but I tend to be able to spot them just about everywhere.
Davina, it’s a back-and-forth, isn’t it, between wild-haired exhilaration, and tight-lipped monitoring, the ‘censors’ and the ‘freedom-fighters’ sure seem to have quite an active relationship.
I hope to see you around some more…
Hi Adam,
So glad to have found your blog through Mark Silver! I have 4 planets in Virgo, ALL in conjunction – take that! And thanks Chris for the key about Virgo’s idealism – it feels great to claim that quality.
I totally agree with you, Adam, about seeing all the “parts” as me and learning to accept them.
I’m also a former molecular biologist and I happen to love brain science and I believe I’ve come to understand some of the biological basis of perfectionism.
I’ve realized that our “fight or flight brain” has what I call an internal card file of everything that was ever scary in our life. And it compares the current moment to the database constantly.
And when we get too close to something that was scary, like potential judgment, it launches a strategy to get us to “safety”. That’s where the crazy-making behavior and evil whispers tend to come in! And it’s pretty tough to think our way out of this, because the brain stem is designed to constantly over-ride our logic brain when it comes to getting us away from danger.
So, my approach now, is to see my perfectionism as a loving protector and messenger of remembered danger. And instead of shooting it, I stop and breathe and thank it for the warning. And then I just get into my heart, because heart trumps brain stem every time. Try it – it works!
Cheers.
Not a Virgo, but might as well be, and this is just the right post at just the right time. THANK YOU for acknowledging the hunger for beauty in perfectionism — the upside. And you pretty much nail the costs: ever-higher standards, check. Dried-up product, check. Hate, ow, check.
So, mantra for the week: Stay. Big outbreath.
Ha! I had to laugh, Susan, when you said,
That’s classic.
I totally agree on the brain-override piece, too; I saw the same behavior for years as a healer in all sorts of situations. I wasn’t taught to see it as a brain thing, but hey, if the shoe fits, and all. Same result, right? Thanks for sharing that insight.
And Janet, you’re welcome. Definitely stay. Definitely breathe.
hey Adam,
yay! I want to keep creating and writing and whatever the heck else ends up coming out of me without those harsh critics in my mind. Oh, they appear from time to time, I acknowledge them, and then, poof, they’re gone…until next time that is!
I’m pretty good at keeping those voices in check – and I realize that all people will not be an energetic match for me and that’s ok. Guess that’s why there are so many people out there in the world so we can choose those that resonate with us.
blessings,
Gina
OMG so you must have been watching my life.. At 52 I am just figuring all this out..kudos to you.. I am a taurus with 6 kids and 13 grands.. not enough of me to go around.. spinning in circles trying to do the perfect thing for all of them.. really can cramp your creativity lol