Onions Have Layers, But You Don't Have To

Ever wonder why you have such a huge reaction when a monkey-wrench gets thrown into the gears of your life?

There you are, trying to work, minding your own business. And then your computer freezes up. Or you can’t hear your client on the other end of the phone. Or you try to express what you honestly feel, and the other person takes it all wrong, and now you’ve got a sticky situation on your hands that needs to get cleaned up before you can move forward again.

Ugh! Drat! Darn! Rassumfrassum-urrrrgh…

But here’s the kicker: it’s not even the situation-at-hand that’s got you all upset.

What did you just say?

Oh sure, you’re frustrated about the situation. But the frustration you feel about having to deal with this situation is piled on top of the pressure you feel to meet your deadline, which is piled on top of the dread you feel around your finances and needing to pay the bills, which is on top of the shakiness you feel about being responsible for yourself, your family, your clients…

It’s no wonder doctors say stress is the #1 killer these days.

So what do you do with all these reactions?

If the reactions you had to a situation came alone, it sure would be easier. You could deal with the fear, and be done. Or deal with the anger, and be done.

But these emotional reactions don’t come alone. They travel in packs. So when one of them jumps on you, the rest come running, and before you know it, you’ve got what feels like 400 pounds of unresolved emotional junk piled on top of you.

Having layers that stack up is fine for an onion…

… but you’re no onion. When your reactions build up into layers, it’s debilitating, stress-producing, and downright crazy-making.

If you want to avoid getting piled up on like a 97-pound weakling in a sumo wrestling match, there are a couple of things you can look out for.

How Not to be an Onion

1. Deal with each piece as it comes

But, don’t they travel in packs? Sure they do. But even though all the reactions get smooshed together, each one has it’s own theme. All together, they’re too much to handle. But one at a time? Now you stand a fighting chance.

How do I separate them out? Well, fear registers differently in your body than anger does, and both are different than sadness. If you tune into what your body is feeling, you’ll be able to pick out each reaction on its own, and deal with it by itself.

(There’s sage wisdom behind this one: my martial arts teacher, when asked what to do if you get jumped by a group of hooligans, said, “Do what I did when it happened to me: take one of them out as fast as you can, and run. When the next one catches you, take him out, and keep running. You can fight one at a time, but not twenty at once.”)

2. Have the intention to pull it out by the roots

Dealing with a reaction doesn’t mean just notice it and breathe, or put it aside somehow. If you do, it’ll just come back again, but stronger. (If you have kids, or grew up with a younger sibling, you know exactly what I’m talking about.)

Instead, when you notice the reaction, pretend it has got a mind of it’s own, and ask it what it’s about. Yes, seriously.

Feel what it’s telling you, and pay attention to what it says. Like anything you’re in relationship with, seek to understand it, have mercy with it, and try to love it. After a while, you’ll get to the roots of it, and find the fundamental clarity you need to heal it once and for all.

3. Learn to recognize the signs

The first time you visited the home you now live in, you didn’t really know you were at the right place until you saw the address on the mailbox (unless you’re still living with your parents, in which case, if you’re over 18, we have other things to talk about).

But the second time you went there, you recognized the tree at the end of the block. And then, the store a half mile away was the first thing you recognized. And now, you start getting that “feeling that you’re home” when you get off the main highway – everything becomes familiar much sooner.

It’s like this with your issues, too (if you have the sincere intention to change, that is).

First, you get angry and blow up at someone. And maybe you do that for a while. But then, you start becoming aware of your shoulders tightening up a moment before you explode. The next time, you feel your belly skwunch first, then your shoulders tightening up, and then you blow up.

Each of these signals is a subtle sign, like the store, the tree, and the mailbox. And here’s the key I want you to get: the earlier you notice it, the more chance to have to not go that way.

When your shoulders tighten, you know where you’re headed, right? So take responsibility for it and don’t let yourself blow up. Go into Remembrance, or start praying, or admit it: “I’m getting really mad, and I’m about to blow up.”

Any different choice you make will help you start making a change. The more you become aware of the signs leading up to the reaction, the more chances you’ll have to make a choice to heal it.

So the next time a monkey-wrench lands in your gears…

… you know what to do, right?

Tell yourself, “I am not an onion… I am not an onion…,” and have fun peeling back those layers.